Advocating instead of complaining

It took me years to take to heart the difference between complaining and advocating for myself. Perhaps you can relate?

Yes, sharing what's upsetting you can help to alleviate some stress, but if you don't advocate clearly for yourself then the situation won't change and you'll be back to square one soon enough.

Advocating for yourself means sharing your concerns and clearly communicating your boundaries (not simply complaining and hoping the other person will hear your concerns and change their ways).

This, of course, requires you to understand your own values and needs so that you can define those boundaries, which can take some work. As a coach, I often work with people to help them improve relationships by working with them around needs, values, boundaries and communication. We can't change others but we can change how we interact with them, which can make all the difference when these difficult situations arise.

Take, for example, a sibling who is repeatedly borrowing money that doesn't get returned. If we simply complain about it, but continue to hand over money when it's requested, the situation is unlikely to change. Advocating for ourselves would involve clearly stating our concern and refusing to continue allowing that sibling access to our funds if they don't repay what's already been borrowed, for example.

While this may not be easy, and nor will it necessarily be well-received by the sibling, it isn't mean-spirited to hold this kind of boundary. In fact, it can help the sibling to become more responsible with their money and prevent the deterioration of a relationship long-term.

What do you think? Do you tend to complain and not advocate for yourself? Would you benefit from coaching around advocacy and boundaries?